Can I Ever Truly Forgive?

Can I Ever Truly Forgive?

It was a cool Saturday morning – a work free day. After I said my morning prayers as usual, I decided to surf the web for some minutes before I do the laundry.

I surfed Instagram. There wasn’t much activity going on there because I am not really a picture person.  I had zero followers’ request. I logged on to Facebook. A lot of wedding invitations; I was really happy for them; I liked all the pictures and commented on those I could. I had fifty two notifications. Then I checked my friend requests.

There his picture hit me – my bosom friend from kindergarten days. Isaac whom I fondly called Zik was one joyful soul I know. How did we ever lose touch? Why wouldn’t we? There were no mobile phones then; no landlines too. Without hesitating, I accepted the request while looking forward to seeing his message popup on my Messenger application.

What?! I’ve been online for about thirty minutes. It’s time to go offline. While I was getting off bed, I received a message notification. Let it be him, I thought to myself. It was him. I was elated. I have enough time to do the laundry anyway. So I lay back in bed while we chatted away amidst giggles.

He asked for my WhatsApp contact which I gladly forwarded to him. We continued to chat via WhatsApp. We went down the memory lane. The chat wasn’t too sweet so we settled for a WhatsApp voice call. I utilized the opportunity to do the laundry while talking to him.

I asked him how he had been and his current location. He told me that he left for the U.S. after elementary school and had been there all these years. That explained why I didn’t see him after elementary school plus there was no way I could know about his whereabouts.

Facebook wasn’t in existence then so I gave up trying hoping that one day, nature would reconnect us. Thank God my Facebook username is my real name – Rebecca Daniels.

We talked at least twice a day – in the morning before work and at night before dreamland. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. I didn’t bother to ask him if he was in a relationship – he’s one cute dude so he should be in one if not two or more considering the amount of ladies that would be flocking around him. Besides it wasn’t my business; I wasn’t interested in knowing either. I just missed my friend.

Can I Ever Truly Forgive?

Today makes it six months since we reconnected. I was full of smiles and I had a new aura. Colleagues and a few friends noticed. My very close friend and colleague, Anna, pestered me to know the reason. It was not long before her greeting changed from ‘Babe, good morning and how are you?’ to ‘Babe, good morning, who is he?’

I couldn’t have developed any feelings for him. I mean he’s just a friend plus I had closed my dating portal five years ago after a terrible heartbreak, besides I don’t think I can truly love again.

Mark was every lady’s man so when he asked me to be his girlfriend while we were in high school, I didn’t even breathe before I obliged. Since I had just turned eighteen, I was free to tell mum about it.

Two weeks later, mum invited him for dinner and he got to meet with dad that day. Both mum and dad liked him; why wouldn’t they? Winning people’s heart was a natural for him. In the first six months of our relationship, he was all shades of a perfect gentleman.

Friday and Saturday nights were spent in each other’s company and he never failed to drive me home before my curfew. Even though I knew he had some crazy friends, I never hesitated to make excuses that he was not anything like them.

I became the envy of the school because he always showed me off like a trophy. I grew to like his cousin – Jane. She had the loveliest smile that revealed her well-arranged set of teeth. She was one of the few people that called me Becca. I didn’t get to meet with his parents because they were seldom around. I only got to meet Angeline; his aunt and Becca’s mother whom I often called Aunt A.

Can i ever truly Forgive?

Much later, I began to notice some habits that I didn’t see at the onset of our relationship. He began to smoke weed and take hard drugs. I couldn’t believe it. There was nothing I could do; I was in love with him hook, line and sinker. I turned the other eye. I could easy do this because it wasn’t an everyday activity. We continued dating until he left for college. By this time, we had been dating for five years.

On our sixth year anniversary, I decided to pay him a surprise visit even though he said he would be writing his semester exams during that period. I ended up being the surprised one.

On that beautiful morning, without informing my folks, I left for his school which was just a three-hour drive from home. I didn’t inform anyone because I didn’t want the surprise to be spoiled.

I parked my Volkswagen convertible at the parking lot opposite his dorm. Prior to that day, I tactfully got his room details from him, so locating it wasn’t a challenge since the rooms were serially numbered.

I knocked twice and opened the door. I can never forget what my eyes saw. I stood transfixed. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I felt like I was dreaming and wished someone would wake me up. When I recovered, I ran as fast as my legs could carry me. I couldn’t see clearly; I bumped into everything and everyone that was in my way. Till tomorrow, I won’t be able to explain how I got home without being involved in a crash.

 

All I remembered was I woke up the next day with severe migraine. I lived on pills for the next two weeks, shut out everyone but my mum and dad; they were my confidants. They consoled my hurting heart in the best way they could.

My healing process was my choice. I said to myself – Don’t Stop Moving I shut him out, blocked him on all social media applications and deleted every physical memory of him. My bedroom which used to be an art gallery of us became a shadow of itself. My recovery process began the day I chose not to feel sorry for myself. I decided to seal the dating portal for as long as I could.

~~~

How time flew! Zik and I had been communicating more frequently for about a year. I think I’m in love. How did this happen? He called one Tuesday morning and chipped in that he would be in Canada by the weekend on an official assignment which he would carry out the following week and asked about my schedule for the weekend.

Me that has been looking forward to seeing him, I told him that I would be free all weekend, besides I rarely go out on weekends. We talked about other things and wished each other a lovely day as usual.

Can i ever truly Forgive?

After the call, I started making a list on my notepad of the many things I needed to get done – my hair (a simple braid would be perfect), my nails (I need to get a manicure and pedicure), my eyebrows (I need to trim them), laundry (I would do it on Thursday), wake up early to clean the whole house in case he decides to sleep over… I got a lot of butterflies in my stomach. Can’t the weekend just come already? My anticipation increased by the day.

Friday is here. Nails checked, braids checked, trimmed eyebrows checked, laundry checked.

Yay! It’s going to be a great day!” I screamed in my head.

When Zik and I spoke last night, he said he wouldn’t call in the morning since his flight was scheduled for 4:15 a.m. i looked at my time and made a rough estimate that he should be in Toronto Pearson International Airport by 7 a.m. ish ceteris paribus.

I walked into the office full of smiles and humming. Heads of colleagues turned in my direction. I’m sure they would have assumed that I woke up on the right side of the bed this morning.

Can i ever truly forgive?

As soon as I settled in, Anna walked into my office.

“What’s the good news?” She asked after the usual greeting anthem.

“Nothing serious. Can’t I just be happy?” I replied.

“Of course, you can. But this kind of happiness today is definitely attached to something or… someone.” She said. “Oh my gosh!!! Did you win a lottery?!!!” She continued.

“Which question should I answer first?” I asked amidst giggles.

“I’d have loved to stay to hear about all of it but the boss gave me a document to attend to. I’ll be back during lunch time. In fact, lunch is on you.” She said as she stood up to leave.

I shook my head.

“He should have arrived.” I thought to myself as I settled in preparation for what the day had to offer.

At lunch time, Anna walked into my office.

“It’s lunch time. Let’s head for the cafeteria” she said.

“Please give me three minutes to finish writing this proposal” I said.

At about 4:23 p.m., I received a WhatsApp notification. He told me that he had arrived and had lodged in a hotel. I welcomed him and asked how his flight went. He asked what my schedule for the night was. I told him that I would be free for the night by 6:00 p.m. ( I had done a mental calculation that by then, I would have gotten home and freshened up).

Since he wasn’t really conversant with this side of town, he told me to suggest where we could sit and talk over dinner. I sent him the address of a renowned eatery after I had made a reservation for two on the eatery’s website. We concluded that we would meet up by 8:30 p.m.

Can i ever truly forgive?

At home, I was unsure of what to wear for the dinner.

…It would probably be a casual dinner so I could just rock a top and a pair of trousers on a pair of sneakers. No…, that wouldn’t look good. Probably I would just put on a simple but classy gown and a six-inch heels… Yes, that’s more like it… Now which gown should I put on? …

All these random thoughts kept flowing through my mind as I kept on trying different gowns. At about 8:02 p.m., I was still undecided. I randomly picked a navy blue gown which designed with beautiful stones and a pair of silver coloured heels with a silver clutch purse to rock on it.

I arrived at the eatery at exactly 8:30 p.m. I was very keen on keeping to time. Immediately I stepped in, I spotted him and blushed. Upon seeing me, he stood up. I saw him taking in every bit of my figure as I approached him. I loved what I saw. Walking towards him seemed like the longest thirty seconds of my life.

He drew out the seat for me like a gentleman would and I sat down after thanking him. For the first two minutes, he was speechless. He would just look at me and smile as we read the menu to place our order. After regaining himself, he didn’t hide the thoughts that went through his mind when he saw me walk in. I giggled as he let it all out.

Dinner was great. Neither of us wanted the night to end nor did we want to part ways but it was already 11p.m. He offered to see me off to my apartment which I obliged with joy and gladness of heart. At the entrance to my apartment, he asked when next we would see and I told him that Saturday evening would be great. I invited him for a cup of coffee.

Can i ever truly forgive?

I welcomed him to my humble abode while I went into the kitchen to make the cup of coffee. He kept himself busy with my photo album which was on the shelf beside the sofa. While he was at him, I quickly changed into a T-shirt and a pair of joggers. I joined him on the sofa. For each picture he saw, I told him of the events surrounding it.

Friday night was always a movie night for me so we settled to watch the movie ‘A Fall from Grace’ on Netflix. I relaxed next to him, inhaling his sweet smelling cologne while he gently rubbed my shoulders as the movie began. I guess I drifted off to sleep because I woke up to an unfamiliar ringtone.

He was still fast asleep beside me. For a moment I stared at him sleeping peacefully and a smile escaped from the side of my lips due to an imagination that flashed through my mind.

After brushing my teeth, I went into the kitchen to prepare breakfast for us. I prepared scrambled eggs, fried sweet potatoes and a cup of tea. I was reluctant to wake him up for breakfast because I didn’t know whether he liked to be woken up or not, so I hoped playing a song would wake him up.

The song ‘Heaven Sent’ by Keyshia Cole filled the atmosphere from the stereo. I sang along while I was cleaning the kitchen because I was inspired. Then I heard a masculine voice singing. I was puzzled.

“Was a guy featured in this song?” I asked myself.

I didn’t need to ponder for long because he walked into the kitchen.

“Thanks for bringing me out of my mystery” I said. “I was wondering if a guy was featured in the song.”

Can i ever truly forgive?

“You’re welcome” he said amidst chuckles.

“I’m surprised that you’re familiar with the song. I thought guys love rap and other genres” I said.

“This is my favourite song, so yeah; I’m familiar with the song.” He said.

“So we have a common favourite song…. Interesting. What’s your schedule for the rest of today?” I asked him.

“I am as free as a bird.” He said.

It’s a new working day in a week. Last weekend was the best weekend I’ve ever had in a long time. Spending it with Zik was close to perfect if not perfect. I got to the office with a whole new vibe.

I did tons of reflection. How could she ever break his heart? What was she thinking? Why isn’t he seeing someone new?  What does he see in me that he wants to date me? Are there not enough ladies in the U.S.? Anyways, dating him wouldn’t be a crime. I’ve stayed off dating long enough. There’s no harm in trying again. Still lost in my thoughts, I received a WhatsApp notification.

Can i ever truly forgive?

“Hello beautiful”

“Hi handsome”

“You busy?”

“No, I am not” I replied.

“Okay, let me give you a call then.”

We swapped to WhatsApp call.

“How’s my favourite girl doing?”

“She’s doing good and you?”

“I’m fine love. I’m at the client’s office already. I’m sorry I couldn’t sleep over last night, I had to be here in time and you know I’d be reluctant to leave you if I slept over.”

“It’s fine babe. I understand. I just miss you”

“I miss you too. I’ll be coming over to see you after work. Since I just have a day left to spend here, I’ll sleep over because there’s a lot I’d like us to talk about if we are determined to make us work.”

“That’d be lovely. I won’t have to sleep alone tonight. It’s okay babe. See you in the evening. Bye.”

Can i ever truly forgive?

“Be good. Bye.”

We hung up.

I began to read the official mails that had been sent from our clients.

At noonday, I received a call. I looked at the number; it was very unfamiliar. While it rang, I waited for my Truecaller application to reveal the caller’s identity but it was taking too long; apparently, I had turned off my mobile data connection after I spoke with my Zik to avoid distractions. I picked up the caller.

“Hello, good day, who’s on the line?”

“Hi, good day, am I on to Becca?” A masculine voice replied.

Becca? Only a few people call me Becca. Since I couldn’t recognize the voice, I continued the conversation.

“Speaking. You are?” I asked.

“It’s Mark” he responded.

I was thinking… Mark, Mark, Mark… then it registered MARK!!!! I freaked out. How did I not recognize the voice? Probably because it had become a little baritone. I reminded myself that I had forgiven him to maintain my sanity, because a part of me wanted to scream at him and say hurtful things to him. I continued the conversation…

Can i ever truly forgive?

“Okay” I said.

“I know what I did was unforgivable. I wouldn’t tell you to forgive me. All I want to say is that I am sorry.”

“It is okay” I replied casually.

“It’s been too long so I decided to buzz you today.”

“Alright. No problem” I responded.

“I know you’d be at work, so I’ll just call you some other time.”

“Alright. It is fine. Do take care of yourself. Bye.” I said and hung up.

Wow! I asked myself, “Could I ever truly forgive?” Well yes! I had truly forgiven him. I was amazed because I feared that the next time he gets in touch, all the anger and bitterness would return but here I am replying calmly and casually too.

I’m glad I could truly forgive him though. Anyway that’s not important. I’ve got Zik and that’s what matters. I hope this lasts forever.

Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. You can truly forgive too. Don’t forget to leave a comment below. Thank you.